George's Collection of Nautical Humor© |
The tough old Navy Chief asked the Seaman if he was going to dance on his grave when he passes away.
" Not me, Chief!"; the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
When fishing and your bait-fish gets chewed into a million pieces, what you have left is a microfiche.
How much time does it take to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hours? Knot-furlong.
Shouting out commands can be a real workout on your voice. For that reason they decided to make a basic unit of laryngitis equal to 1 hoarse-power.
A metric-minded sailor was asked to get a "deck-a-cards". Upon his return the others wondered why he had ten packs.
Any sailor can tell you a good bar is a million times better than a microbar!
During a sea battle a mate was injured when he backed into a cannon mussel. While on the operating table, the doc reported he had a semicolon.
While on a North Pole adventure a mathematician wanted to know how many ice blocks were used to make an average igloo. During his studies, he asked what the ratio of the circumference to it's diameter was. The response was; "Eskimo Pi".
After loading up 2000 pounds of Chinese soup, the cargo master remarked they now have "Won ton".
A ship's chaplain considers the added weight of shipmate burdens as a "Billy-gram".
Did you know that 10 rations of food equal one "decoration" and 100 rations equal one "C-ration".
Completing a tour at sea, two shipmates were cleaning up to go home.
One just finished trimming his whiskers and reached for the aftershave. The other remarked; "I don't put that stuff on me! It makes my wife think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The first guy said; "No problem here. My wife has no idea what a whorehouse smells like!"
Being an avid sailor, Jim had installed a marine reception radio in his van, complete with rooftop antenna.
One day while traveling down a street the aerial fell off and by a strange coincidence impaled a pedestrian. Seeing what happened, Jim quickly stopped his van and brought the man to a hospital emergency room where several doctors carefully removed the rusty antenna and held him over for observation.
Feeling real bad, Jim kept watching the man. He noticed what looked like an infection building up. Three days later the man died.
Thinking that he might be charged with manslaughter, he went to the local Police station to fill out a report. Because of the mysterious death they had an autopsy performed. A couple days later the autopsy results returned and vindicated Jim of all possible charges.
The report said the caused of death was from a "van-aerial disease"!
Two tropical fish were in a tank. One said to the other; "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury... in the picture marked exhibit "A", it clearly shows that my plaintiff's boat was damaged on the port side.
By navigational rules, he was the stand-on vessel and had the right of way!
Therefore you must find the landowner guilty and charge him for the tree's negligence!
A new swab reported on board a large ship. As often is the case, he was stationed in the galley for a few weeks. While working with fruits he slipped on a peel. From the time he first slipped to when he hit the deck, only took a banan-o-second.
A Sailor was a day late return to his ship and found himself explaining things to the captain. He said; "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what will turn up!"
After hearing the rest of the feeble excuse, the Captain responded; "In your case life is more like eating a jar of Habanero hot-peppers. What you did yesterday is going to burn your butt today!"
That woman must be a pirate's delight. She has a sunken chest!
A crewman reported to the ship's doc that he was really worried because every body part hurt. The doctor looked concerned and said; "Show me where."
The man touched his own arm and screamed; "Ouch!" Then he touched his leg and cried out; "Ouch!" Touching his nose he shouted; "Ouch!" Looking very concerned towards the doc he said; "See, it hurts everywhere!"
The doctor laughed and said; "Don't worry it's not serious. You've just got a broken finger."
Q: Why'd the sailor throw rocks at sea birds?
A: He wanted no Tern un-stoned!
"A baby seal walks into a club."
Hello... I repeat!
"A baby seal walks into a club." (Do you get it yet?)
Bear Attacks Sub during the ICEX 2003 naval exercises near the North Pole.
The American submarine Connecticut (SSN 22) poked its sail and rudder through
the ice. When an officer looked around outside via the periscope, he noted that
his sub was being stalked by a hostile polar bear.
The periscope cam was turned on, and these photos of a polar bear chewing on
the subs rear rudder resulted. The damage was said to be minor.
The SSN 22 is a Seawolf class boat, one of the navy's newest submarines. It
wasn't designed as a polar bear snack, but that's how life is sometimes.
When women began to be stationed on combatant ships, one captain had to command that a rule be strictly adhered to.
Calling the entire crew to the deck he said, "Men are forbidden to enter the women's sleeping quarters. Women are forbidden to enter the men's sleeping quarters. For the first offence you'll be find $50.00. For the second, it'll be $100.00. The third will be $200.00."
From the rear section came a question; "What will a seasonal pass cost?"
A shark enters a drinking establishment in Sarasota, Florida and demands service. The Catfish bartender approached saying, "We don't serve drinks to sharks in Sarasota, Florida."
The shark became slightly ticked and bit off a large section of table. After spitting it out he said, "I want a drink now!" The Catfish calmly said, "We don't serve drinks to sharks in Sarasota, Florida."
Hearing that made the shark go into a frenzy! He went to the end of the bar table and devoured a lady dogfish relaxing there. The bartender now said, "We don't serve drinks to sharks in Sarasota, Florida, especially those on drugs!"
In a bit of confusion the shark said, "I never use drugs!" To this the Catfish told him, "Yes you do. That was a bar-bitch-you-ate."
A scientist at one of the marine parks has been doing genetic research and found a way keep porpoises alive virtually forever! The process apparently involves seagull DNA.
The scientist was returning to his lab one day with a few seagulls in a cage, and was surprised to find the parks' "tame" lion asleep across the threshold.
He gingerly stepped across the lion, into the lab and was immediately arrested by Federal Agents for... transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
One seahorse enters a doctors office. The doctor asks, "Why the long face?"
Sailors usually like their pier group.
A school of Herring swam towards a fishing fleet. Several of them were a-salted.
If a lighthouse keeper forgets to turn off the light, does that mean the sun won't shine?
Yes, fish dreams do come true. Haven't you ever heard of the Fairy Cod Mother?
Two sailors meet each other on a pier. Both were dragging their right foot as they slowly walked.
One points to his foot and says; "Pearl Harbor, WW2!"
The other points his thumb behind and says; "Seagull crap, 20 feet back!"
A Naval physician was invited to speak before the local Lady's Club on the subject of sex. The doctor agreed to speak but later had second thoughts about telling his wife. That evening at dinner he mentioned the speech but told her the subject was on sailing.
A week following the event, his wife ran across the president of the Lady's Club. Asking how the speech went, the reply was, "Excellent!"
The doctor's wife mentioned, "I'm so surprised he talked about that subject. He's only done it two times. Once he got seasick, and the other time his hat blew off!"
Two elderly fishermen were sitting by the side of a river both holding fishing poles with line in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
With a guilty voice one says, "We don't have one."
"If you're going to fish in this state, you need fishing licenses. I'll have to issue both of you a ticket."; said the Game Warden.
The second fisherman spoke up; "But officer, we aren't fishing. We have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The Game Warden lifted up the lines and sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
"It's nice to see people with good values, I wish more were like you.", the Game Warden said as he turned and left with a smile.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight both fishermen started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb fish cop, "one said.
"Yeah!"; said the other. "It's a good thing he didn't know there are Steelhead trout in this river!"
If the ship's doctor gave you a bottle with three pills inside and
directions to take one pill every half hour.
Q: When could you throw the bottle away?
You're stranded on a island with no provisions to eat or stay warm with.
Just before dusk you come across a storm wrecked yacht. Climbing inside you
find uncooked food and matches in the galley, a partially filled oil lamp, an
oil heater in the hold, and some kindling wood available from the broken hull.
Q: Which would you light first?
A sailor returned from the sea after a month of fishing. The ship's plumbing was in need of repair, so he was very "ripe".
While heading home he stopped for supplies. As he passed the deodorant section the Right Guard turned left, the Speed Stick slowed down, Secret became obvious, and Sure seemed confused!
Q: What is a shark's favorite game?
Why didn't the sailors play cards?
Did you hear? A fisherman took pain pills because of a persistent haddock!
Returning from shore leave on a hot and dry day, a sailor locked his car and walked towards his ship.
The commander watched from the deck as the sailor turned to pet a stray dog. Suddenly the sailor shifted to the rear of the dog, lifted it's tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine! He set the dog down and proceeded to board the ship.
"Hold on there mister," said the commander. "Did I see what I think I saw?"
"Yes sir! My lips are terribly chapped."
"And that cures them?" the commander asked.
"No, but it keeps me from licking them!"
One day a scuba diver dove into the sea, farther than anyone had gone before. When he got there a jewelry laden King Neptune greeted him.
The diver asked, "What does a million years mean to you?" Neptune replied, "A minute."
"With all the riches you have, what does a million dollars mean to you?" asked the diver. Neptune replied, "A penny."
Thinking himself clever the diver asked, "Can I have a penny?" Neptune replied, "In a minute."
Back in the days of coal-fired boilers a "wild" shipmate died while they sailed in the middle of the ocean. In true Naval fashion a boson sewed the body into his hammock for burial at sea. To weight the sack down the captain, being notoriously cheap, decided to use two large sacks of coal instead of a five inch shell.
Time came for the burial, the crew stood at attention, the service was read, and the departed was commended to the deep. During that time the boson was observed having a light hearted smile with an occasional chuckle.
After the service he was called over by the commander and asked why he was chuckling during such a solemn time. The boson explained that he's seen several poor souls go to Hell but this was the first time one brought his own coal!
*I didn't notice all that water in the bilge a few minutes ago!
*Gasoline?!?! Isn't this a sailboat?
*I think I'm getting seasick.
*Are those cables on the mast supposed to have all those strands sticking out
of them?
* Water? I didn't bring any, we're sailing in plenty of it aren't we?
*I think we need to go faster...the water skier you are pulling is not
planning.
*Hey! Look at this neat clevis pin I found on the foredeck!
*Is that little handle thingy s'posed to make stuff go down the toilet?
*Aren't those thingies supposed to float?
*I'll just go forward and pee off the bow.
*I´ll pee opposite the sails.
*Oops! I let go of the halyard and it went all the way to the top of the mast.
*Perhaps I should've mentioned I need to be back in an hour?
*That island's not on this chart.
*Is it OK if we have a party while you and Mom are out sailing?
*Yes I threw in the anchor, but you didn't say to tie it to anything.
*Grab what? I've just done my nails.
*Dad! There's a VERY big boat behind us!
*Can you make it not lean so much?
*Bring me the duct tape. The big roll!
*Anybody know how to get a bilge pump going!
*No problem, everything's fine. Just calmly & quickly hand me the flares!
*I think we can make it?
*I think we've got MAJOR damage below!
*Look at this thread sticking out of the sail...
*(A non sailing man to a sailing lady), "Let me help you..."
*Why won't the head flush?
*Duck? Where?
*I think the head's clogged!
*Dad, where's the fire extinguisher?
*Got insurance?
*Hey dad, didn't you charge the battery? My TV won't work!
*Before sail; "I never get motion sickness." During sail
"-----"
*Remember that rock you told me to watch for?
*I just drilled a hole to let the water out!
*Overheard ships cook whispering to the helmsman; "Your other Right!"
*Why are the other sail boats so much faster than yours?
*Put those silly sails away and start the motor.
*Is that what a waterspout looks like?
*Those crab traps are way faster than we are.
*What's that big dark cloud behind us? (Pampero!)
*Do you remember the combination to those new locks?
*Wadda mean we can't water ski?
*Why is that sail upside down?
*Is your spinnaker supposed to look like that?
*You should have seen the look on...
*Honey, my Mother is coming to visit.
Joe had saved up for many years and was finally going to purchase the fast
offshore boat of his dreams. Shortly after hitting the water curiosity got to
him and he pushed the throttle forward.
With the wind blowing his aging hair back he smiled until he noticed a marine
patrolboat chasing after him. At first he speed up to run away then realized,
that was the wrong thing to do. With a terrible feeling he slowed to a stop.
The officer asked his name. A very frightened, "Joe", was the
response. Seeing that Joe was feeling really bad about being pulled over, the
officer told him that if he could tell him a good reason for speeding his boat,
he would let him go with just a warning.
Joe thought for a moment then said; "My wife ran off with an officer and I
thought you were bringing her back!"
With a smile the patrolman said; "Don't do it again!" and left.
A lady's husband of 20 years passed away while at sea. Needing financial support she went to the Social Security Administration. After the initial greetings the gentleman asked the names of any children she had.
"Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, and Dave", she replied.
"Ten children all named Dave? If you don't mind, how do you ever call them to dinner?"; he asked. "I just shout, dinner time Dave, and they all come."; she said with a smile.
"No. What I mean is, how do you call just one of them?"; he asked.
She answered, "I call him by his last name."
Did you hear about the two power boaters that walked into the chandlery building?
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it!
Two fishermen were on opposite sides of a lake. One yelled across to the other saying; "Any luck?" The second yelled back; "Real good here!"
Having not caught a thing the first wanted to get on the same side but couldn't find a way to do it. He shouted to the other; "How do I get on the other side?" The second answered; "You are on the other side."
A sailor notices a nun leaving his ship shortly after liberty call was announced. Both walk towards a nearby bus stop and wait.
The sailor can't seam to stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic." The sailor is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
"OK" the nun says, "Lets walk into the alley so no one will see us." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. Soon they return as the bus approached.
Seeing the sailor with tears run down his face she asks, "My dear child, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I have sinned. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's, OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party.
While being stored on land, spring is a great time to work on a boat. Two
sailors were doing just that when a gust blew the ladder down. Looking from the
the deck to where the ladder lay on the ground one guy said, "How about
you jumping down and putting the ladder back up again."
The other said, "What are you nuts? That's 15 feet down! How about you
climbing down on this beam of light from my flashlight?"
The first guy said, "Have you got strong-batteries?"
The ships cook mixed 453.6 graham crackers together to make a pound cake.
A large passenger ship contacted a shore-based hospital and said they have 1000 people aboard with headaches. To clarify the garbled transmission the hospital asked; "Are you reporting a kilohertz?"
Several hot and thirsty guys were drifting in a life raft when one spots a
bottle floating by. Grabbing it he rubs the side to see if anything is inside.
To their amazement a small genie appears.
This lesser-genie can only grant one wish so the guys decide on one thing,
"Turn all the water into the finest beer!"
Poof! It is done and the genie disappears.
As they're about to enjoy their new found treasure, one suddenly shouts,
"Oh no! I have to go to the bathroom!"
Every week several retired sailors meet in a local restaurant to have lunch
and talk about things.
One said, "I'm getting very forgetful. Just the other day I spent an hour
looking all over the house for my keys and finally found them in the pants I
was wearing."
Another spoke up saying, "I think it's called 'getting old'. You should
see my wife's reaction when I don't remember her name!"
A third said, "Lucky for me my memory is as sharp as it was back in the
war", as he reaches on top of the table to knock-on-wood." Soon he
turns his head and says, "Who's there?"
A crewman rushed into the doc's office and reported that he's shrinking! The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
After docking a sailor goes into a nearby pub and orders a double. The bar tender refuses to get it stating, "This is a singles bar!"
Three men joined the Navy. They went through everything together including
bootcamp, training and several years on the same ship.
After their military duty, each got a fine civilian job. One an electrician,
one a lawyer, and the other became a dentist. A few years later while finishing
a game of bowling the lawyer said that he was going to get married this weekend
and left for home to prepare for the big day coming up. The other two remember
the practical jokes played on them in the past and decided to reciprocate the
fun.
The electrician said that he was going to wire-up the honeymoon bed so it would
give him a mild shock during the "heat of the night". The dentist
said he would think of something later.
The following week the lawyer met his friends at the bowling alley. While
talking about the honeymoon, a smile came to his face when he said they really
had sparks flying that night, but if he ever finds out who put novocaine in the
vaseline jar...
A race boat sailed towards a bridge on their way towards the coarse. One
crew member noticed a funeral procession traveling on it. He respectfully
removed his hat and stood silently until it passed.
Another noticing the action said; "You show allot of respect for your
fellow man."
The crewman returning to his job said; "What do you expect, I was married
to her for 30 years!"
A sailor was looking at a local yacht club's bulletin board listing and took a second glance when he saw that a two year old 45 foot motorsailer was selling for $1,000.
At first he thought it was a misprint or the sailboat had major problems but for the cost of a phone call he had to check it out.
A lady answering his call assured him all was correct and the boat was in bristle condition. She would meet him at the club in an hour to let him look it over.
An hour later she arrived and let him see the boat. "This has got to be one of the finest sailboats I ever seen", he told the lady, "Why do you have such a small price on it?"
She answered, "My husband left with his receptionist and we got a divorce. For the settlement I get the home and he gets the money raised from the sale of the boat."
After a terrible collision both boat owners clung to the only remaining capsized hull still floating.
1) "Miraculously neither of us were hurt and I had the good fortune to be able to contact help before sinking, it must be a sign that we're going to be best friends for a very long time."
2) "Ya know, I think your right!"
1) "Look over there, I think I see a bottle of rum floating. I'll go a get it so we can celebrate our new found friendship."
After retrieving the rum, he offered the second sailor the first drink. He took it and downed a goodly amount.
2) "Here buddy", as he reached to hand the bottle to the first sailor.
1) "No thanks, I'll just wait until the Coast Guard gets here!"
A Captain asked a group of sailors what is the best form of birth control for older people. Someone in the back yelled out, "nudity"!
Talk about extreme medical specialties... my brother tells me in the armed forces that they have Navel Surgeons.
I heard you couldn't work on the fishing boat yesterday because you had diarrhea and your boots leak.
Yea, I missed the boat. Sunday's paper came on Monday and I confused the days.
My husband cheats so much I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his!
When confronted with the evidence, my husband denied everything and said it would never happen again!
I didn't realize he drank until about three months later when he came home sober!
An 'ol salt swaggers into a bar. He has a ship's wheel stuffed into the front of his pants.
The bartender says, "Hey, do you know you've got a ship's wheel in your pants."
The 'ol salt says, "Aye mate. It's driving me nuts!"
A newly widowed wife told her friend; "He was cremated and I flushed the ashes down the toilet."
"That's terrible!" the friend said.
"Not at all!"; the widow explained. "He wanted to be buried at sea but never told me how to get him there!"
Three shipwreck survivors landed on a deserted island. One was a secretary from a major corporation, one a clown from a circus, and one was a writer for a fine dining magazine.
A week later they ran out of food. The clown died of starvation. In order to not have the same fate the other two decided to eat the remains.
As they did the writer commented that the food had a funny flavor! The secretary said she'd make a note of it!
A bossy landlubber forced his way into the Captain's quarters demanding; "I'm here to take charge and command this ragbag!"
The Captain slowly raised his eyes from a well worn desk, stared at the intruder, and said; "You'll start at $250,000 a year, get four months paid vacation, when going ashore get free housing and travel, and fully paid medical.
In amazement the landlubber almost dropped his jaw saying; "You've got to be kidding!"
The Captain quietly replied; "You started it!"
If you ever take navigation for "granite", that tells me we're off to a rocky start!
Aboard - 1) A piece of construction lumber. 2) An Italian who becomes uninterested.
Afterguy - Last guy in a line
Amidships - Surrounded by boats. Often confused with the displaying of an anchor.
Anchor - 1) A device designed to bring up mud and seaweed samples from the sea bottom. 2) What you display when you're surrounded by other boats.
Anchor Light- A small light used to indicate the battery condition.
Berth - Having a newborn crewmember.
Bitter End - 1) The last racer at the finish line. 2) The wrong end of a siphon hose. 3) The time to alert the bartender in the English pub. (USA definition=Last Call before closing.)
Boom - Loud noise made during a jibe sometimes quieted by a grinder before swimming. (Also see Grinder, Helmsman).
Boomkin - 1) A related noise. 2) A very young boom.
Bottom Paint - 1) Paint found on a pair of pants after the cockpit seats have been freshly painted. 2) The most dented can of paint.
Bow - 1) The strongest part of the ship to ram another with. 2) Front part of catamarans often found underwater.
Bunk - Location to store unused sails.
Can Buoy - (Pronounced Can BOY) - A male with diarrhea.
Chart - A nautical map that shows what you just hit.
Chine - Word used after, "rise and."
Chock - Full right up to here...
Clew - 1) What a skipper is inclined to do. 2) An oriental crewmember. 3) What a new sailor doesn't have any idea of.
Companionway - 1) A double berth. 2) A narrow channel or hallway.
Cunningham - A sly pig.
Dangerous Waters - Lying to your spouse.
Deadrise - Waking up before sunrise.
Dead Reckoning - 1) What a Southern Doctor pronounces after a sailor goes to Davy Jones's locker. 2) Using a map instead of a chart.
Deviation - 1) Shipboard orders given by a landlubber. 2) Any departure from the captain's orders. 3) A ship full of deviates.
Displacement - 1) Accidental loss; i.e. when you dock your boat and later can't find it. 2) Good feelings for a location; i.e. "Displacement a lot to me."
Estimated Position - 1) Where you're not. (Common after multiple rhumb lines.)
Fore guy - 1) First person to bend over. 2) First guy in a line.
Foul Wind - 1) A breeze made by a passing goose or duck. 2) An odor.
Freeboard - 1) Inexpensive food. 2) Free lumber.
Great Circle - 1) Ships course when the rudder is stuck. 2) What's around your eye after a fight. 3) A depression left in a seat cushion.
Grinder - Crewmember stationed to either side of the boom who enjoys swimming. (Also see boom).
Halyard - 1) Line that fails when you're winning 2) Measurement according to Hal.
Hatch - 1) Opening on a boat made to fall in. 2) Where you store eggs. 3) What a freezing lookout wears on his head.
Headway - 1) What you are making when fixing the toilet. 2) A desert the cook makes, similar to "curds 'n whey".
Heaving Line - Referred to as the lifeline when you're not sick.
Heave to - The second person to get sick.
Helmsman - 1) One who actually listens to the tactician. 2) A crewmember that enjoys an uncontrollable jibe. (Also see Boom).
Keel - A heavy depth gauge.
Landlubber - Anyone on board who shouldn't be.
Latitude - The number of degrees "off-course" allowed to a guest.
Lazy Guy - Most sailors when they're not.
Lazy Jack - 1) The title given to the guy who's crewed on other boats one time only. 2) Item often left at home by trailer sailors.
Leech- A crewmember that's always broke.
Luff- What a helmsman never notices. (Also see Telltale)
Marine Flashlight - Waterproof place to store dead batteries.
Naval Warfare - Two bellies rubbing.
Nun Buoy (pronounced Nun BOY)- A religious transvestite.
OD Paint - Paint applied Over-Dirt.
Port - A fine red wine, always stowed on the left side of the boat.
Reef Point - A portion of rock sticking out of the water.
Rhumb Line - Two or more crewmembers waiting for a drink.
Ring Buoy - Otherwise known as a ring bearer in weddings.
Round Rigger - 1) Crewmember who hides in a rum barrel. 2) Opposite of a square rigger.
Sextant - 1) A brass device used to detect nighttime activities of guests. 2) Canvass shelter devices used while camping.
Sheet - 1) Line designed to make gloves fail. 2) Something with the ability to tangle on anything.
Shroud - Equipment used in connection with the wake.
Snatch Block - A term used by sailors returning late from shore leave, or a female crewmember you can't seem to get around.
Spinnaker - A large sail deployed in dead calm winds used to keep the crew busy.
Spring Line - A line purchased at the beginning of the season.
Square Rigger - 1) A sailor out-of-touch with things. 2) Sailor who goes to sleep early.
Submarine - A long sandwich.
Swell - 1) The best of something. 2) A mound made by mosquitoes you'll probably scratch.
Tactician - 1) One who counts hardware that falls overboard. 2) The luckiest or sorriest member of a crew.
Telltale - Talk, about last night on shore.
Throw Line - An excuse used by a baseball pitcher after blowing it.
Winch - An object you grind until it groans. (Often confused with wench)
Several skippers were looking for crew. Walking through town they saw a four-story building with a sign that read, "Ship's Crew Available". Everything seemed wonderful so they continued inside.
On the first floor the sign reads, "All crew found here are beginners". Without hesitation they move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All crew found here are experienced". This isn't good enough, so the Skippers continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All crew found here are former Americas Cup Champions".
The Skippers are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head up to the forth floor. The sign there reads, "There are no crew here. This floor was built only to prove, there is no way to please a Skipper!"
One foggy night a mother mouse and children were on a wharf searching for food. As is usually the case, one of the offspring strayed away. A large Tomcat suddenly confronted that child.
The mother ran to the defense and started barking and growling like a huge dog. The cat, not knowing what to make of things, ran off into the mist.
She gathered her kids and told them; "Now you understand the importance of a second language!"
A magician was working on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
The captain's parrot was in the same cabin he practiced in and it also saw every show. Soon the bird began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood them, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat." "He's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all those cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; after all, it was the captain's bird.
One day the ship suffered an unfortunate accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with, of course, the parrot. They stared at each other, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another. After a week the parrot spoke and said; "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the ship?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do the Australians call the rest of the world, "up over"?
Do marine pilots take crash courses?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what are fog horns made of?
Why don't they call the head a butt and a cigarette a head, since that's closer to the true meaning.
If a cruise ship has a part time band conductor aboard, does that mean he's a semi-conductor?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do whales look that way?
If white wine goes with fish, shouldn't white grapes go with sushi?
Some Navy rockets go into space which we all know is a big vacuum. So tell me, who changes the bag? Speaking of space, if athletes get athlete's foot does that mean astronauts get mistletoe?
Why is it called a lighthouse when it weighs so much?
Ship's windows are called "port holes", but they are found on both sides?
Two sailors arguing:
First: When you die, I'll be dancing on your grave!
Second: Good, I'm being buried at SEA!
Q: Why does the pirate where a black eye patch?
A: His white formal one is at the cleaners.
Captain Hook is finally getting old and wants to live
out his days peacefully in a quiet town. The only problem is that the local's
did not accepted his crusty 'ol ways.
The Capt'n decides to get some culture and prove his worth by attending the
opera "Pirates of Penzance". (He can relate to that!) Truly loving
the entire play he felt assured he would now be accepted.
When the end came everyone stood up, applauded, and yelled Bravo! He stood up,
applauded, and yelled, "Ouch, Ouch, Ouch!"
Q) What did Captain Hook die of?
A) Jock itch!
Captains of ships have a lot of latitude.
Sea captains can be port-ly.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Sunglasses for sailors had better be seeworthy.
Sailors like to seas opportunities.
A pirate wrote his wooden leg into his will as a leg-acy.
A guy who crosses the ocean twice without a shower is a dirty double crosser.
A sailor eating alphabet soup found the seven C's.
A sailor has ties to home but is knot there often.
Sailors often come from have-knot countries.
I was going to go sailing and went shopping for a hat but started to reconsider when they gave me a stern look and asked for my capsize.
When the spice ships used to bring goods to the king, the captain was peppered with compliments.
Is a leak in the back of a boat a stern warning?
Two sailors named Brad Stowe and Ben Lowe had to B.stow their things B.low.
If two people invest in a boat, it's a partner-ship.
A guy who inherited two yachts had a paradox.
This guy walks into a seaside bar. There sits old salty captain with a
peg-leg, hook for a hand, and an eye patch. The guy buys him a pint and says;
"…well you must had quite a life at sea! How'd you loose the
leg?"
Cappy say's; "One day we were hunt'n whale off the Maine coast. We brought
one aboard still alive and the monster bit it clean off. The crew gave me a peg
for me troubles."
"How 'bout the hand", asked the other?
"One day we were boarded by pirates. As we fought'em off cutlass to
cutlass, one of 'em got lucky and cut me hand right off. So I got the hook for
me troubles".
"How'd you lose the eye?"
"A seagull pooped in it!"
"That's it??? A seagull pooped in it!" The guy seemed a little
disappointed expecting a sea tale.
"Well", says the captain, "…it was me first day with the
hook."
A Harbor Seal goes into a bar and requested a drink. When the bar tender asked what kind the seal responded, "Any kind as long as its not Canadian Club!
A young punker entered popular a dock-side bar. Finding only one vacancy at
a table across from an 'ol salt, he sat down. The 'ol man couldn't keep his
eyes off 'em and just stared.
The punker he had spiked, multi-colored hair including green, blue, and orange.
His clothes were a tattered mix of rags. His legs were bare and feet shoeless.
His skin was covered with much body-piercing jewelry. His ear rings had big,
bright feathers.
After 10 minutes passed the punker got self conscious and barked at the old
salt, "What are you looking at? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you
were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old salt replied, "Yeah! Back when I was
young, I got really drunk one night in Singapore. Me mates later told me I had
wild sex with a parrot. I thought… maybe you were my son!"
One night a depressed young woman decided to end her life by jumping into
the bay. As she stood by the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears,
took pity on her story, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm
off to Europe in the morning. Once there you can get a fresh start. If you
like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you, bring good
food every day, and keep you warm every night!" The girl nodded 'yes.'
After all, what did she have to lose?
Later that night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches, a piece of fruit, and
they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
"He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me every night."
"He sure is. Lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry!"
A psychology professor who was also a sailor often
wondered whether people thought of computers as having a gender in the same way
that ships are addressed as "she" and "her."
To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. One group
was composed only of men and another entirely of women.
The group of men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine
gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands they're internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.
The group of women, on the other hand, reported that computers should be
referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but they're still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the
problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer you could have had a better model.
I heard that a religious man's boat sank because it was holy.
Ship's Cook: "A little salt water in your drink and your
complaining!"
Sailor: "I came onboard to sail the oceans, not to drink it!"
Don't eat a fish sandwich at a Sea Aquarium, it could be a slow learner!
The following was a radio conversation released by the US Chief of Naval
Operations on 10 October 1995:
Navy: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Civilian: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a
collision.
Navy: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Civilian: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Navy: This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the US
Navy. Divert YOUR course now!
Civilian: This is a lighthouse... Your Call.
A mate visited the ships doctor and confessed to an embarrassing problem:
"I pass gas all the time, but they're soundless, and have no odor. In
fact, since I've been here, I've passed gas several times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription", said the Doc, "Take these pills three
times a day for seven days and come back to see me in a week."
Next week, an upset mate marched into the doctors office. "Doc, I don't
know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm passing gas just as
much. They're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to
say for yourself?"
"Calm down", said the doc soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your
sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
This isn't really boat related, except that anyone who has ever dealt with
the contents of their holding tank should appreciate it.
I was watching this weird show on cable television last night called
"America's Dumbest Criminals". They reported the story of a man who
tried to steal gas by siphoning it from an RV one night, but stuck his hose
down the pump-out fitting instead of the gas fill. Well, he must have gotten a
mouthful of the contents when he sucked on the hose to start the siphon,
because he was later caught by following a trail of vomit that he left along
the ground.
(It's hard to even imagine what that must of been like!)
My wife has determined that I am the Captain of my ship!
A preacher was boating towards an island for a special wedding. On the way he was stopped by the marine patrol. After a quick check of the life preservers on board one patrol officer noticed a box with a few bottles in it.
What's in the bottles, Reverend?
"It's holy water", came the response.
The officer open one of the bottles. Sniffing it he said, "It smells like wine."
"Hallelujah!", the preacher shouted, "He's done it Again!"
One beautiful summer morning a fellow employee phoning into work. Here is what was said. "Hello Mike, I'm not feeling very well. You're going to have to mark me on sick leave today... OVER."
After having eaten Lasagna for several months,
everyone on board wanted a change. The cook promised to serve a royal meal to
all if anyone could figure out why he served lasagna so often.
Only two clues were given. The first was that he would make the grunting sound
of a pig as everyone walked past. The second was a sentence on a board. The
message read "GO HANG A SALAMI".
The lasagna routine continued for several more months. Soon the crew was ready
to jump ship. One man even offered to paint the keel while at sea! Joe had
enough! He was going to take matters in his own hands.
Grabbing his mess hall tray he snuck towards the cook, raised it, and started
to hit the cook in the head.
"Stop!" I have the answer to the riddle said another!
He whispered it to the chef. Right, said the cook! The crew wanted to know how
he got the answer. Simple, he said. The oinking sounds reminded me of a pig or
hog. Then as Joe raised his tray, I saw the reflection of the message clue
which was hanging on the bulkhead. It read what I told the cook, IM A LASAGNA
HOG.
From that time on everybody ate like kings!
One day a would-be "rookie-pirate" was wondering how he could
become a better pirate. 'Already having a peg leg, a hook, and a patch, but
what else would make me the best pirate around? He thought and thought. Finally
he figured that a parrot is what he should have, one that could repeat nautical
sayings and sit on his shoulder.
Walking along a beach he spied several birds in a big tree. Knowing that he
could never climb the large tree, he enlisted the help of a local native. Up
the tree and down again went the native returning with a beautiful Scarlet
Macaw.
Seeing that it was a red bird, he asked why it wasn't gold, the color of
doubloons, or green like money.
The native responded, "Those weren't ripe yet!"
Sailor A: I hear fish is good brain food.
Sailor B: Yeah, I eat it all the time.
Sailor A: Well, there goes another theory!
Boat Names Can you imagine a boat named Jose', and it's dingy named Hose-B?
A dazed crew of a Japanese trawler was plucked out of the Sea of Japan
clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.
Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities
questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. They claimed that a cow, falling
out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering it's hull
and sinking the vessel within minutes.
They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force
reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo
planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian
airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home.
Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian plane crew had a worse time trying to
manage a frightened cow rampaging within the hold. To save the aircraft and
themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the
Sea of Japan at an altitude of 20,000 feet.
A total stranger can go sailing with you and no one thinks the worst of you.
Sail by yourself and you won't go blind!
Diseases normally aren't passed on by sailing.
You don't have to give up sailing if your partner looses interest. The fact is nobody expects you to sail with the same partner the rest of your life anyway.
You don't need to feel guilty watching sailing on the family TV.
You aren't going to be sued for sex discrimination for telling sailing jokes at work.
If your regular partner isn't available you won't be criticized for having another partner.
It isn't necessary to hide you collection of sailboat magazines.
You sailing partner really does forget the other person you sailed with years ago.
you define winter as six months of bad cruising.
you think the Alkaline batteries in your GPS machine was named after a Tiger baseball player.
the Big Mac is something you cruise under.
you learned to drive a boat before riding a bike.
you know that Mackinac rhymes with Mackinaw.
the word "thumb" means an area to float around and not part of your hand.
you have ever experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.
you know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but isn't too far from Hell.
your favorite holidays are Thanksgiving, Christmas, and opening day of boating season.
your snowmobile and fishing boat have big-block Chevy engines.
traveling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon.
you point at your hand when explaining to people where your boat is docked.
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Where did the name Department of Interior come from when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
If it's zero degrees outside on watch, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Is boneless fish considered to be an invertebrate?
Since light travels faster than sound, that must be why some landlubbers appear bright until you hear them speak?
Why is it when you transport something by car its called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
If seafood is cured, why is it still dead?
Should you trust a yacht broker who's married to a travel agent?
Tell a sailor that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you, tell him a deck has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
A friend once thought that only people from Poland could apply polish to a boat finish.
Are flagships made of nylon or cotton?
Why do "saleboats" cost so much?
Why is it when a hatch is slightly open it's ajar, but when a jar is slightly open it's not a-hatch?
Do hydroplanes evaporate?
If most yacht brokers are wealthy, does that mean rich people are poor?
Are power-boats used only by weight lifters?
Is a sailor called "salt" because of a lifelong hatred of pepper?
Did the term "Nauti-cal" originate from a sex crazed crew in California?
Was the word "Crui-sing" given to a bunch of swabbys while Christmas caroling?
If wood boats are made of wood, and fiberglass boats made of fiberglass, then what are airboats made of?
Sea battles never decide who's right, only who's left!
There's this swab with a parrot. This parrot swears
like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating
himself! Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and
this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat,
shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the
bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy locks the bird in a kitchen
cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches everything inside.
Finally the guy lets the it out. The bird cuts loose with a stream of
vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
The guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few
seconds there is a terrible racket from inside. Then it suddenly gets very
quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be
hurt. He's opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's
outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you.
I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over
the parrot. The parrot speaks again, "By the way, what did the chicken
do?"
Propwash works best on brightwork!
The portside is reserved for red headed sailors only.
Whistles are very loud!
A shoreline is used to dock boats.
Fartsacks are stored in the head, the poopdeck is where they end up.
You eat dinner in a scupper.
A sonic boom is a fast jibe!
Deck ape's don't climb.
The 'ol man is a radio buddy.
Uncle Sam's cousin is called Union Jack.
Portholes are also found on the starboard side.
Eight bells are heavy.
The engine room is where you find mole-traps.
An Irish burial and a wake are similar.
A phone call is called a lifeline.
A bulkhead is a uni-sex bathroom.
On a ship; A) the forecastle has no towers, and B) the fo'c'sle isn't another name for an older sail.
Any new stuff, send it along!
Mail to: webcaptain1@yahoo.com
(Don't forget to put the word Humoras the subject!)
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